White Light
by lurv2boogie
Summary: Lily Potter's final thoughts. Lily had spent so much of her life being saved - so it shouldn't have been too much of an ask for her to save someone else, should it? It was just like white light - so many colours combined that they all poured into nothing.


**A/N: YAY! Something has actually been produced. Isn't that noice. I'm mainly hoping for a certain amount of dramatic irony to uphold this fic, I suppose... let me know if it works or not. :) Also, this has been thoroughly scoured and beta-read so please take 'grammatical errors' as intentional and a stylistic technique.**

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Lily Evans dreamt in black and white while she slept; a curious metaphor for her waking life, where things always seemed simple, straight-forward. Clear cut.

Until she met James Potter. The snide, arrogant, rude son-of-a-bitch who, with every insulting comment and degrading look swept her off her feet in a way that she had never thought possible. In a way that was utterly unimaginable, until it happened.

It was ironic, for sure – that she should fall in love with a man who aggravated her on a daily basis.

But he was also the man who kissed the raindrops from her nose, who held her close while she slept, who kissed her softly even when she was sick because _to hell with it, he loved her too damn much not to_. The man who calmed her down when she was angry and lifted her spirits when she was sad and lay next to her in the dark, where she was most afraid, and held her until she felt safe again.

The man who had saved her life on more than one occasion.

It did not seem such a big ask for her to return the favour.

Not such a big ask.

Not really.

--

It was still light out.

At first, that was all she could think about. Things like this didn't just happen while the sky still had a light tinge to it. Things like this happened in the dead of night, under the cover of darkness, in the Great Unknown where anything might happen. Denial, she supposed detachedly, was a natural reaction.

Her heart beat through her sweater, thick and fast and slick, pumping blood around her body. Blood which was still inside her body.

_Oh, thank God-_

She wasn't stupid. She had known what was coming. Of course she had.

_How could she have been so stupid-how could any of them have been so stupid-how could they not have known that--?_

She couldn't have known it would be this soon, though.

"_Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" _

She could still hear James' shouts echoing through the house after her, chasing her away from the living room with an urgency that frightened her. In all her life, she'd never heard such a tone that simultaneously encouraged her and _broke_ her.

She heard the yell from the adjacent room. The sound of death.

The shouting; the falling; the dying.

_Apparate, you stupid woman-apparate-apparate-apparate-apparate-stupid-apparate-no-James!_

She saw that man – the one who kissed her and held her and comforted her and looked after her – that beautiful man. The one who used to be, anyway. Fallen now, without grace, without any of the beauty that had made him so.

_Marry me Lily-I do-James!-Love you-always-ever-James!-I do-Marry me—_

But he wasn't there anymore. There was a _thing_ that lay on the floor, occupying the space which used to be taken up by _James Potter_. But it wasn't him.

She knew that He was coming now. It was only a matter of time. A matter of waiting. That was okay. She had barely spent any of her life waiting. She wasn't the kind to wait around.

Although now seemed as good a time as any to break the habit.

A cry from near her breast.

Harry.

_It's a boy!-What to name?-Harry-James-Potter-Harry James Potter-Never a better boy-a boy-a godfather-Harry Potter—_

Who looked so much like his father. Looked so much like how his father used to look-

_Oh god, James-_

but with his mother's eyes.

The door burst open.

More technically, she supposed, the wall.

The wall burst open.

A mess of robes. And behind that, the outstretched hand of what used to be the man who saved her. The man who was always rescuing her.

The man who was too far gone to be rescued.

She looked up into the face of Death, the one that sounded like blood and looked like screams.

_Order-battle-war-magic-wands-death-fighting-protection-Sirius-Peter-Peter-Peter—_

She looked down and found that Harry was no longer in her arms, but she could hear his cries behind her and briefly wondered how he had gotten there without her having noticed.

She looked down and found herself shielding Harry with everything inside her, and briefly wondered how she'd moved that way without her having noticed.

She looked down and found that she was screaming and shouting things which couldn't have come out of her mouth – wouldn't have – except that they were things that she believed to her bones, and briefly wondered how those words had torn themselves from her throat without her having noticed.

"_Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead. Not Harry! Please… have mercy… Not Harry! Please – I'll do anything… I'LL DO ANYTHING!" _

She was screaming and shouting and there was blood and thunder and noise and light and then—

Quiet.

--

_Oh, thank God- How could she have been so stupid-how could any of them have been so stupid-how could they not have known that--?-__"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!"-_ _Apparate, you stupid woman-apparate-apparate-apparate-apparate-stupid-apparate-no-James!- Marry me Lily-I do-James!-Love you-always-ever-James!-I do-Marry me— It's a boy!-What to name?-Harry-James-Potter-Harry James Potter-Never a better boy-a boy-a godfather-Harry Potter— Oh god, James- Order-battle-war-magic-wands-death-fighting-protection-Sirius-Peter-Peter-Peter—_

"_Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead. Not Harry! Please… have mercy… Not Harry! Please – I'll do anything… I'LL DO ANYTHING!" _

It was kind of like white light, made up of every colour in the spectrum. There were so many things she wanted to say that they were pouring into silence.

--

Not such a big ask, not really.

But she still couldn't save him.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Please review - this is, again, a little different from what I've written before and I'd love some feedback. Until next time, :)**


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